One of the reasons I cannot listen to Julianna Raye anymore is because she reminds me of the last movie we watched together - a tired western starring Robert Duvall and Kevin Costner. Our backs against the wall, legs sprawled out on your bed, peering at the small, small, small television perched on the edge of your study desk.

Neither of us said a word throughout the movie, but neither of us were paying any real attention to the screen. I was thinking of my upcoming trip to India, my body, another man and your lips. And you – what were all the things running through your head? I still don’t know but when I left for my parents’ home the next day you, my practical, imperfect friend, didn't let go of my hand till the very end.

But my mind was already made up, in so many ways. I see that now, even though at the time I kept telling myself that I had a choice.

***
I thought of that movie again a couple of weeks ago when G and I were fighting about what kind of television to get from Best Buy.

I wanted to switch out our ancient, practically indestructible (and still perfectly functional) Sony and so eventually found myself standing in front of the biggest, shiniest LCD system I could find at the store. G, as G usually does, wanted to pick up something more modest. But I stopped arguing almost as soon as G asked ‘What does it matter, as long as you can watch what you want? Do you really care that much how big the television is?’

No, I realized, Not really. I remembered the size of the screen that you and me watched the Simpsons on every evening and how small it was, how old, how dusty and how when we were watching that old western, I didn’t care that much at all.

Recently, I have been all gut response - my brain's been on vacation, my body's turned against me, and my hormones have been driving G crazy. (Seriously - so glad that I am married to him right now and not to me. )

So aside from the the fact that I can now eat everything in sight without feeling terrible about it at all and am often urged to eat even more, I am ready for Baby Menon to make an appearance.

Or am I? Yesterday we picked up a car seat from Babies R Walmart. And that has been pretty much it. I have lists and lists of stuff that I need to do, but that I refuse to move forward with - either because at any given time I am either feeling lazy, superstitious or both.

Maybe because I still don't feel baby-crazy, and there is a part of me that cannot imagine eventually doing things like smelling the baby constantly, mass mailing my entire contact list with subject lines like "CUTE BABY PICS!!!!!!" and being secretly convinced that my baby is smarter and prettier than every other child around me.

As an along-side, my joints hurt almost constantly and my left hand feels numb and tingly mostly because of the compromised blood circulation or some such. I mentioned this to the OB on Friday, and she said 'now that you only have about 4-5 weeks to go, your body is making it more and more uncomfortable that you will even go through labor to have the baby.'

That, and Bianca's advice to not buy onesies that you had to remove over the baby's head because you might get poop on it while changing a blown out diaper: two things I heard this week that made all the sense in the world to me.

Obama declaring a national H1N1 emergency - not so much.

"....it's a good way to really know a person. I am now starting an iPod exchange club among my friends, so we can all live our past lives vicariously. I think that this is what it means to grow up: From being a memoirist, you become a novelist. You start to see what others saw."
-
Growing Up The IPod Way,Andrei Codrescu.

Surprise Baby shower last night, with A, A, B, V and P @ A's place! Was very very surprised, but also overwhelmed, blessed, loved and a little teary (in the car talking to Gopan who apparently had known about it for TWO months!!)

Yesterday, G and I went out with friends to dinner and a movie. We ate at a restaurant we'd eaten at a million times earlier where the conversation generally fluttered around a)babies, b) how expensive it is raise babies and c) how our parents' generation raised babies.

G. ordered a sushi roll called the Caterpillar (that contrary to his expectations) did not have caterpillar bits and pieces in it. On the other hand, it was green, chubby and delicious.

We went to watch 500 Days of Summer afterward - it was clever, funny and self indulgent. Everything a nice old fashioned romantic comedy should be, I suppose. I came away feeling how much Gordon-Levitt had changed from his 3rd Rock From The Sun days, and how cute he looked, in a nerdy, skinny tie wearing, emo/punk/rock listening pop culture tidbit quoting way.

But for the most part, while 500 Days of Summer occasionally prompted cringe-worthy memories of how nasty I can be in a relationship where I have little to lose emotionally, it was harmless enough otherwise. Especially, the part when you figure out that Love has nothing to do with it at all.

" ..the truth is that once we have left our childhood places and started out to make up our lives, armed only with what we have and are, we understand that the real secret of the ruby slippers is not that "there is no place like home," but rather that there is no longer any such place as home: except, of course, for the home we make, or the homes that are made for us in Oz: which is anywhere, and everywhere, except the place from which we began.."

- Salman Rushdie, The Wizard of Oz: An Appreciation(BFI,1997).

1.

‘Commoners here by thousands floated
And jostled one another down
Each paddling in his leaky boat
And here they fished for gold; or drowned.’
-Jonathan Swift
2."My powers of empathy, my ability to reach into another's heart, cannot penetrate the blank stares of those who would murder innocents with such abstract, serene satisfaction."
- Barack Obama on the 9/11 terrorists.

1. Obama stuttered through the first of three US Presidential debates last night, but won it anyway.
I am very glad for him even though I supported Hilary throughout the primaries. But then Sarah Palin arrived with her moose brigade from Alaska, and she managed to scare me away from all that independent, maverick libertarian nonsense. Thank you, Mrs. Palin.

2. I am very very nervous about October. Also, a little bit happy because I made a new friend at my office. ( + a small raise! yay!)

3. This past year, I was a little little fish in the massive ocean that is my local Indian Association. This fall, I will graduate into becoming a little big fish.

4. I have become so Behenji these days that it's beyond just sad. At my writing class, I can't seem to think of a single pitch idea that doesn't smell of curry or mention India in some way, shape or form. Also, I write in cliches, but nothing new there.

5. Come November, I will move into an small apartment in a town that hosts two of the most expensive country clubs in this fair country. Three Hurrays for G , me and (-here it comes-)the American mortgage industry!! :- P

+1. As always, I miss you more than anything Cochin.

The light goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp,
light dwindles. Then there is the evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.

But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers.

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanuja

I used to read McSweeneys at work but no longer.

Midafteroons (somewhere between lunch and losing my mind), Facebook provides an easy distraction from responding to emails from St. who TYPES LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME. ENOUGH SAID.

Anyway, I like FB because it lets me make small talk with people without having to dial a single digit and because I despise talking on the phone with all my heart. Also, I find out all kind of nifty bits of family trivia from relatives I haven't talked to in years.

Last night for instance, someone told me that my great great grandmother's name was Kuttiamma, and that the 200 year old house she grew up in still stands in a small village outside Alleppey.